The Great Unknown

I am everything and I am nothing.
I am here and I am not here.

I
am
unknown.

I've been actively embracing The Great Unknown lately.

I am in Boston, taking classes at Boston University's School of Public Health. I don't know if I'm living in the right place (right... haha as if there is a wrong place). I don't know if I am meant to be here, taking classes. I think about leaving grad school and all its bureaucratic crap behind, disappearing to India, returning to NYC to be with my boyfriend Peter and dive into my own deepness, anything.

My mind is everywhere and nowhere.

I've been with Peter for nine months now and I don't know what I'm doing in love. I've learned over and over that I.... I... don't make the rules. I can't plan Love. Planning and other things I've done came, come, from fear. Let that go and what do I have? Nothing but this moment. Nothing but everything unknown in Love.

My heart is everywhere. My heart is in my mind.

50 Things I'm Proud I Did in 2011

1. Snorkeled in the Bahamas on my birthday

2. Fell in love (with Peter)

3. Lived with Nana for one month

4. Completed a 3-month Traumatic Brain Injury (#TBI) rehab program

5. Learned Anusara yoga and kenetic awareness from Ellen Saltonstall

6. Visited my brother, Joey, in Cleveland

7. Celebrated Thanksgiving with Peter’s family and my first Christmas with Peter

8. Had great sex

9. Practiced letting go

10. Drove a U-Haul truck

11. Went on a 3-day road trip with Mom (in the truck)

12. Co-Founded Partners in Health – Charleston Chapter

It hurts.

"When inward tenderness finds the secret hurt, pain itself will crack the rock and Ah! let the soul emerge." Rumi

It hurts. It hurts so much.
Over the past week I've undone what I've been doing for the past six months: Burying my emotions, all my frustration, ignoring the literal and figurative heart ache surrounding this the development of this heart condition, on and on.

I've cut the stitches on this wound and now it's wide open.
It's achingly open and at times I can't stop crying.

I have postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS).
Nice acronym, hey?

Have Heart

Brain Injury - 2

You can’t see my injury. Looking at me, even talking to me, you might argue (many people do) that I am not injured. Here’s the thing, you are right in some sense. Most of my brain was not injured when I fell off the roof of that building in Argentina. You are mistaken on the flip side of that coin though as some parts of my brain were damaged when I fell.

In this post, I'll share with you some things that I regularly struggle with internally, making them difficult for you to see, recognize or understand as part of my brain injury. 

Autopiolet Auto pie let Autopiopio… Here is one thing that just happened. I was trying to write the word auropiolet autopiu auro autopiolit auto…. Autopilot. When I write something, anything, I use assistance. I keep a blank Word document open on my computer just to type things out before I tweet, update my Facebook status or respond to your text. If I’m out and have to rely on my phone, I thank God for autocorrect and my dictionary application. Before I had such a high-tech phone, I used my injured arm as an excuse to ask people to write for me. 

Brain Injury -1

I’ve been quiet about this injury, especially in comparison to my other injuries. You’re probably sick of reading about my arms and all their surgical woes! I know I get sick of writing about it.

Talking about my brain injury makes me feel self-conscious and vulnerable in an unprecedented way. I want to get over this though, to conquer this fear.

I’ve always been smart. I skipped grades in elementary school, took AP classes in high school, and with the exception of one statistics class, I felt that college was more of a political game than a challenging academic endeavor. My mother recently shared with me that when I was younger, my IQ tested around 150. I am used to reading five or six books at a time and keep articles about political theory and philosophy by my bed because I enjoy reading them before I sleep. 

Please excuse me. Tooting my own horn somehow makes me feel better about what I am going to share with you next.

I Am A Phoenix

I feel the desire to acknowledge my present position.

On a mundane level, not much has changed in the past few months. I had surgery for the 8th time since I fell off the roof. Act surprised. This go-around we fixed a nerve in my left arm. I'm still living with pain on a daily basis and still my time is largely occupied with physical therapy and other fall-related rehab.

On a spiritual level, a deeper mind-heart-body level, my foundations have been rocked in the most awesome ways. I invited this earth quake, and while I have despaired at times over it's ensuing destruction, I've delighted in the opening of space it caused and the erection of new edifices it has allowed.

Society Paper 10

Do I have any children?

I have many children. Don’t you?

All the orphans in the world are our children.

What? You don’t feel the same?

Are you reserving your love
For the children that come from your womb?

Don’t we all come from the same mother, the universal mother?

I’ve never seen a drought of love. Have you?

Love is infinite.

Love is infinite so why not give it away?

Why not give it away for free?

To all the orphans.

Sometimes I feel so sick. My stomach is a stone, weighty with despair. My throat swells and my eyes bleed tears. I want to vomit or explode like a firework. I want to run and scream but I don’t do anything. I write. I write to you to express my frustration with the world. 

I have held a dying baby. I have cradled children with misshapen heads, bleeding sores, rotted teeth, God these children have everything bad in life and nothing good. And all I can give them is my time, my energy, my love.

You can love too, right?

You love your sister or your boyfriend,
Maybe even your parents. 

You are capable of love. 

Why then don’t you give love away to the orphans? 

This is what keeps me awake at night.

This is what keeps me alive.

The memory of holding a dying baby keeps me alive.

What keeps you alive?