Um...fuck.

(This post meanders a bit...skip to the bottom and click the link)

So I wonder: Do the good times, the really high highs make the bad times, the low lows, better or worse, more or less bearable?

-Highs make lows better, more bearable because you are coming from such a high that it takes more to make a low, it takes a lot to bring you down. Experiencing a good day makes you take the bad ones with a grain of salt, you know that the good is there. It’s just not there at the moment so you hang in there and cling to some optimism even though you are holding a glass half-full of shit.

-Highs make lows worse, less bearable because you are aware that you are falling from such great heights. It’s terrible to know where you could be and see that it is starkly different from where you are now. If you never have a fucking fantastic day then you really don’t know what you are missing when you have a bad day, you are blissfully unaware of just how shitty things are compared to how great they could be.

Yesterday was the high high and today was the low low. I clean when I am emotionally distraught and today I cleaned my parent’s kitchen, living room and bathroom.

I can only remember two other times that I cleaned so much, with so much vigor.

It is about control. When I am upset I feel like things are out of my hands so I clean to get my hands dirty, to make something with myself, to see results instantly, to be in control. It’s part of who I am. I find practicing an instrument, the same notes over and over, therapeutic, even comforting. I like doing yard work, gardening, building things, setting things up and taking things down. Using my body to make something artful or beautiful or even just better than it was tends to make me feel better.

I miss being in the city. I miss my friends, the subway rush, random acts of kindness, spontaneous conversations, insomniatic playgrounds (24 hour businesses), music in the tunnels underground…bleh. Today sucked and I am whining because I am too tired to clean anymore. I am done.

Wait! I just realized something: Maybe yesterday only feels like a high high because today was so shitty. Maybe the lows are the determining factors. Yesterday was good but it feels fucking amazing compared to today so I am re-writing history in my mind.

Haha. I bought a magazine about Buddhism to see if I could compassion-ize away some of today’s crappiness. I’m off to try.

Just a song before I go (laugh if you get it) : Thriller Like You've Never Seen It Before!