Scary Things Exciting Things

My mom has been having chest pain for about one month now. She told me on Sunday morning. She hasn't told anyone else, including her husband, my father. Feeling blank. I told one friend about it, thinking that releasing my worries from the confines of my mind would make me feel better. After talking though I felt rather alone. I want my mom to be the one to tell people, otherwise I feel like I am leaking this terrible secret. She is going to the doctor today for more tests, nothing to report at the moment.

(That is such a terrible feeling. Nothing to report, waiting for some answers...she might be sick and she might be fine. I am afraid of losing the people I love, or losing people in general. I can barely stomach the news because there's always a report of someone dieing. My head is spinning. This year alone I said goodbye to two friends. No more sickness, my mom will be OK.)

My friend was in a car accident about one month ago. He told me on Sunday afternoon. He is fine physically but rather shaken up mentally. We always argued about driving. There were times that I refused to ride in his car. His car was totaled and the other driver was taken away in an ambulance. It scared me to hear that he was in an accident but I am glad, so overwhelmingly glad that he, and the other driver are OK.

On the flip side: I am happy. I examined my life recently and realized I needed to make some changes. There are so many things I want to experience in life, and I can't put all those things on hold for one big dream (Antarctica). By October 15th I will only work one job instead of three. Giving notice of my resignation was very liberating and served as a first step to a more peaceful, more enjoyable existence. I started napping on my porch swing, drumming and playing guitar more and even got out my painting materials to prepare for when I have more time to indulge my creativity. I also worked with my mom to plant an herb garden, something I've wanted to do for some time now.

It's amazing how much control we have, how much autonomy we have in our own lives. And if we can just grasp that power, we are unstoppable. There will always be someone who needs some of our time and energy, it is up to us to decide how and where we spend ourselves. I learn this lesson over and over: I can not help everyone all the time. Most times they need to help themselves and I am just an enabler. When I finally give up, stop trying to squeeze the most out of myself for other people, I am happy and I give more freely to people that really need something.

Exciting things: I gave away $150 this past week. I was working 2 extra jobs to save money for Antarctica but realized that I had saved more than I had budgeted, and that banking the money was not making me happy....so I gave it away. I enjoyed my jobs a great deal more knowing that I was working for something bigger. I never feel like money is mine to begin with, it is something that we use to transact with each other. If I have enough to cover my expenses and can save enough for my dreams, then let me share some of what's left over with someone else. It was fun to give the money away but much more exciting to enjoy working long hours that usually drain me. I think I'll try to give away most of what I make with the two extra jobs until I finish working in October. We'll see, I am not that good...I want to buy some books and new running shoes too.

Love.