Its almost Christmas and as I sit here, thinking about the day, watching some sappy movie on TV, I can’t help but feel a mix of emotions.

I am happy for some many things, grateful and so fulfilled by my dreams, my past and my future. But right now, in this moment, I am lonely. I am lonely in a way that aches.

This year I have come to protect myself better, take care of myself and heal myself in ways I thought impossible just last Christmas. One year ago I was bedridden, recovering from the motorcycle accident and trying to hold my mind together after being assaulted in Indonesia. Now I am good, healed and whole. I have taken out the trash in my life and it feels amazing. I feel liberated from so many things and it is amazing, but its also lonely.

It is so much easier to surround myself with people when I am not so wary, when I am not looking inward and taking care. As part of this whole deal, in cleaning out the trash, I have stopped bothering with negative people. I’ve stopped trying to fix things that can not, or do not want to be fixed. And really, who am I to say what “fixed” is anyway?

So I am happy, I have simplified my life in some ways and know myself better than ever before, but I am lonely. I finally see my relationship with my parents for what it is. We have nothing in common and my father doesn’t respect my interests, passions, educational goals…we have nothing to talk about. It doesn’t mean we don’t love each other but right now there is nothing there, and that is lonely.

It is a process but I am becoming much more careful about who I let into my heart. Oh boys. I am holding back more, waiting for something great, instead of something good. But I had love. I had this amazing fire of love a while ago, so I know what I am missing and that makes me lonely.

I can’t wait to get out of my current living and employment situation. That’s the next step in taking care of myself…moving to a positive environment, making a home for myself instead of renting space as I am now. I think I’ll be less lonely when I am among friends and working somewhere where I am respected as a person.

Ok so more emotions: I am crying now because Christmas makes me think of people I love and that makes me think of people I have lost. I hate that people die. I hate it so much.

I went to the library today. My friend Diana worked there. She passed away a little while ago but today as I walked into the library I thought, “I haven’t seen Diana in a while, maybe she’s working today.” I hate that people die and all I can think about is the fact that she will never be at the library again, and her family is celebrating their first Christmas without their mom. I hate that people die.

Then I think about how many families are torn apart by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Holy hell. This is why I don’t read the news a lot, it makes me sad.

And my mind is lost among great memories of moments shared with loved ones. Now moving to thoughts of Ghana and Indonesia, babies slowly crying themselves to sleep because no one is there to pick them up and cradle them gently.

As I said, I can’t help but feel a mix of emotions.