In thuth, I cry every day.

A number of people have commented, both after talking to me or reading my blog, that I have kept very upbeat with all that has happened.

Let me explain. In some moments I feel so lucky that not only did I have the means to fly to the United States for treatment, but I happened to know one of the best wrist surgeons in the country, and he happened to be friends with a top facial surgeon.

I have spent countless hours thinking about the fact that my friends in so many other countries would have been permanently crippled if they had the same injuries.

The day after I found out that my insurance company wouldn't cover either of my operations, I opened the acceptance letter from Boston University which awarded me a $10,000 scholarship. Later in the day, Dr. Thorne (my face surgeon) called to say that, despite insurance issues, he would operate at no cost to me. I was surprised by the call, but his actions made sense to me as when we met, we found that we had lived in the same village in Ghana, and done volunteer work there. I felt lucky about the operation and lucky to find a kindred spirit to take care of me.

The blog gives me something to do, a way to break up the days and a way to turn a mess of emotional events into something chronological. I start a post early in the morning and finish it hours later, after needing to rest, shake out my left hand, and eat a few times.

I cry every day and am crying now as I write this. I miss Larissa and our trip very badly. I miss my independence. That one hurts so much, I try not to think of it often.

There are moments during which I am simply overwhelmed with physical pain and can barely breathe. During those times my family is either holding my hair back as I vomit, or following me around my bedroom with painkillers because pacing seems to distract me a bit.

I have been so scared since the accident that my nerves feel absolutely fried. I am afraid that my wrist will only function at 98% or less, instead of 100%, my face will not look the same, the stitches on my eye will break, I will never be able to run again as the impact on the body is so strong, I'll need more surgery, etc.

I was so scared of dieing in surgery that I had my mother call a priest before I left for the OR. I am tired, but fear still keeps me awake at night.

I am pissed off about graduate schools. I had planned to return to the US in August and go to Denver or New Orleans because I wanted to get away from the Northeast. Now with the financial burdens of the accident I am spending my trip money and graduate school savings on medical bills. I can no longer afford to go to Denver as it has higher tuition costs, and it would cost me a lot of money in flights to travel from Denver to NY to visit friends and family.

I am not sure I can even make it to Tulane now, which honestly breaks my heart. It is so far away and I won't be able to drive there by August as I will be knee deep in hand recovery and probably still nursing my other injuries. The travel costs are limiting with Tulane as they are with Denver, and I am scared to live on my own, unable to defend myself in a new place.

I never wanted to go to Boston but it seems like the best choice now. Going there will allow me to save a bunch of money in tuition and travel, allow me to remain close to my family and my doctors, and grant me access to one of the top international health programs in the country. We'll see though, nothing is off the table just yet...

Having the internet and keeping in contact with people has kept me going. Reading comments, e-mails or messages make me feel less alone and isolated, and I treasure each phone call or note. I can't read with my eye and head injuries, can only listen to music sometimes due to the concussion, and am confined to my bedroom and the bathroom because I am too weak to go up and down the stairs more than once each day. I guess that's why I seem so positive on here, its my escape right now!

So that is it. Ask if you have any questions and I am happy to clarify or answer. As always, thanks for reading,

Jack