Everything is Moving and Standing Still

Today, for the first time since I fell, I thought to myself,

I love my life, right now, in this moment.

What made me think that today? I woke up late and enjoyed a bowl of Kashi with chocolate soy milk. Then I spent the morning sorting through things in my room, stopping frequently to reflect on memories associated with whatever I was unearthing.

I paused on a pile of shoes I've collected from all over the world. Shiny black sandals from Ghana reminded me of the red dust there that permeates everything. Beaded sandals from Bali brought back the memory of a day I got lost and ended up riding my motorcycle through an elephant sanctuary. Tattered sneakers from Argentina made me miss Joel, the rocking of our boat on the Drake Passage and riding mountain bikes with Larissa.

While sorting and cleaning, I was happy about my plan for the afternoon, to stretch my muscles in the sun by running then doing yoga. In the evening I expected to help prepare a surprise belated mother's day celebration with my sister.

As I stood in my room, hanging a few sundresses I recently purchased, I thought about the fact that I had started wearing contacts and driving my car again. I was excited to be moving to New York City in the next few weeks, and happy to have registered for my first semester of graduate classes.

Later today, my sense of satisfaction was challenged. As Nate and I prepared the house for my mother's surprise celebration, I realized just how weak my right wrist still is. I was frustrated about not being able to cut green peppers for a salad, lift a bowl from the microwave, or feel a piece of tape on my hand. By the time my mom arrived at home, I had developed a headache from exhaustion and exasperation.

Later in the evening a good friend sent me a text message, inviting me to dance to Latin music at a local hotel. Upon receiving the message, my mind raced through ideas of how to cover up my scars and make myself look prettier than I felt. I glanced at some makeup on my desk, then over to my closet holding the sundresses I had hung up earlier in the day.

I declined my friend's invite after concluding that I was too tired to begin dolling myself up for a night out. I felt too self-conscious to enjoy dancing, and did not care to explain my wrist brace to anyone.

I suppose I'll have those nights from time to time. I'm just going to keep running, wearing contacts, blow drying my hair (another recent feat), and wearing my sundresses until I feel less self-conscious. Tomorrow is full of friends I have had for so long, it is impossible for me to feel self-conscious around them. I am excited.